Hojo's Satellite of Pain and Mental Anguish
by KadVinClo Inc
Summary: Professor Hojo decides to torment KadVinClo with devastatingly horrific fanfiction.
1. Chapter 1: The Torment Begins

DISCLAIMER: To be very very clear. We do NOT own Square Enix. "Vincent's Valkyrie" is the author of "The Silver Healer". Please do not be offended. I know it is a bit offensive... but honestly, this is a parody and only meant for fun. Do not take us too seriously.

Author's Note: Yeah. Don't be lazy, read the disclaimer. This is just lighthearted parody fun. Criticism and sarcastic remarks are things writers should be used to, and prepared for. (heheh... that reminds me of Scar's song from the lion king...) Uhm... anyhoo. Yeah, so please. Just be cool, okay?

Oh, and just to note... this was written by Vin and I (I being Kad). At least for the comments. I wrote the song, intro and ending as you can probably tell by the severe lack of competence. Okay I'll shut up now. :P

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**Mystery Science Theater 7000**

Chapter One:

The Torment Begins

--------

In the not too distant future,

Last Sunday around 3

There were 3 morons named KadVinClo

Very different from you and me

They had a job compiling fanfiction

That was enough to give someone a conniption

They did a poor job keeping up the pace

And Hojo didn't like them

So he shot 'em into space!

"I'll send them cheesy fanfics,

"The worst I can find (la-la-la)

"They'll have to sit and read them all,

"And I'll monitor their minds (la-la-la)

Now keep in mind they can't control,

Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)

Because they used those special parts,

To teleport their ff7 friends

Kad: **I ONLI COUNT FOUR OF US!**

Vin: **SUPAKAWAII DESU NE!11 DESUKA!**

Clo: **WAKANO XD**

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe,

And other science facts (la-la-la)

Then repeat to yourself, "It's just KadVinClo,

I should really just relax".

For... MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 7000!

The satellite drifts aimlessly through the vast undiscovered region known as Outter Space. (dun dun dun)

Kad sits at the computer, pounding away at the keyboard. A message, all of a sudden, leaps out onto the screen in big bold letters that read: akslfsalfs

"Oh my gawd" Kad says, amazed. "Jenova is speaking to me! Maybe she will help us?" Just then, Vin marches onto the scene. "I wish professor Hojo would just...leave us alone! GAWD!"

"Did someone just say my name?" an all-too familiar voice echoes throughout the satellite.

Professor Hojo's face appears on the screen, and the two seemingly-nefarious individuals scream in horror at the devastating sight.

"My my," he says whilest chuckling to himself "It appears as though a long strenuous session of torture is in order."

"Can't you just leave us alone? DON't you have anything BETTER to do?" screamed Kad, pulling out a knife and holding it out threateningly to the computer screen.

"You can't cut through glass." Vin mildly observes.

A long silence proceeds, as Kad fails to respond with any self-redeeming... response. Professor Hojo decides to talk again.

"Well, I found the perfect story for you all. 478 percent guaranteed to melt your inferior brains into salsa to use as dip for doritoes at my son's upcoming birthday party." he says in a menacing tone.

"But... I don't want any candy." says Vin.

"..."

Suddenly, an alarm sounds and a series of high-security doors open simultaneously. The two are abruptly somehow pulled into a small empty theater. Don't ask how that works. Immediately, before they could even comprehend what had just occurred, the story (or whatever) appears on the screen... and... okay I'll just stop here.

_**The Silver Healer**_

_by: Vincent's Valkyrie_

_Valayris Valk, a flourishing white mage walks into the old caverns under the Shinra Mansion._

"_Hello," Valayris calls out, her voice echoing off the cavern walls._

_She continues to wander deep into the cave._

"_Hello!" she calls again._

Vin: Why is she talking to the walls

Kad: Wall: hello

Vin: She's like 'LOL HAY GUYS PARTEE TIME'

Vin: s'up

_Several minutes later the cavern tunnel opens into a large room. The brilliant blue light from what appears to be a large crystal fills the room. She steps into the room as her clothes tint blue. Marveling at the room's beauty a splotch of red stands vivid against its blue background. The splotch sits in front of the crystal. Valayris to scared to speak walks toward the splotch._

Vin: So, Vincent's a splotch of paint now

Kad: She's visually impaired. All she can see are splotches.

Vin: "yes, I'd like Vincent red 682 please"

Kad: I thought the splotch was standing. Now it's sitting?

Vin: "In acrylic, thanks"

Kad: haha

_Stepping closer the splotch morphs into a human being, a male human to be specific. She drew closer to the man when all of a sudden the man draws his gun and clicks the hammer back._

Vin: Oho a MALE

Vin: To be specific, of course

Kad: Im lost..

Vin: YES SO AM I

Kad: lets continue

Vin: Yes, let us

"_Who are you?" the man asks his voice quivering with bass._

Vin: dies

Vin: Vincent's going through puberty

Kad: Vincent: Oh g0d tHey'vE c0mE f0r me aGain!

Vin: Maybe it's Lance Bass

Vin: MAYBE VINCENT IS LANCE BASS

Kad: Sephirroooth

Kad: Vincent, you cant be Lance Bass, Sephiroth is already.

Kad: Go be someone else.

Vin: Seriously. Vincent should be..like...50 cent

_Valayris sucks in a little air, he was very handsome and his piercing red eyes shot right into her very soul._

Vin: I know I suck in air when I see a hawt guy

Kad: Valayris breathes in oxygen.

"_Valayris," she states._

Vin: What a kool name

Kad: Vincent: ZOMG I LUV U NOW!

Vin: Vincent: LETS MAKE BABEES

"_Ok...Valayris," the man says, "What brings you to this festering place?"_

Vin: ...I don't see how a cave is "festering"

Kad: Valayris: I've come to fester

"_Festering?" Valayris asks, "I find it quite beautiful."_

_The man's red eyes glare at her for a brief moment._

"_But I don't know the history of this place," Valayris says quickly._

_The man loses his glare as he stands up._

"_Now please," the man says, "What do you want with me?"_

Vin: She automatically assumes that because Vincent looks away that THERE IS A BIG DARK SCRET HES HIDING RAWR

Kad: Valayris: I want to make babbies with u omg?

Vin: Why does Vincent so readily assume that because another life form is exchanging words with him, that they have something specifically to do with HIM.

Vin: Jeez. Ego.

Kad: psh

"_Cloud and Tifa sent me to deliver this message to a Vincent Valentine. Then a child in town sent me into here. Are you Mr. Valentine?" Valayris asks turning the large envelope in her hands._

Vin: VINCENT KNOWS ALLLLL THE KIDDIES

Kad: Valayris: I need to find a Vincent Valentine. For my scavenger hunt.

Vin: Cloud: hay. HAY YOU. Go find Vincent.

Vin: valayris: lol okai

Kad: Valayris does the bidding of every complete stranger she sees

Vin: She's a nice Mary Sue

"_Vincent if you please," Vincent says extending his hand._

Vin: FIRST NAME BASIS

Vin: ohooo

Kad: Please use a comma...

Vin: Vincent likes telling his name to people

Kad: Valayris: Vincent if you please... what a lovely name

Kad: Valayris: I love you now

Vin: "Vincent. Vincent Valentine. Here's my card."

_Valayris places the letter in his hand. Vincent takes the letter and opens it. Drawn by the crystal Valayris steps closer to it. Placing her hand on the crystal a sharp pain travels throughout her body. Valayris lets out a sharp gasp. Vincent hearing it looks up from the letter._

Vin: Vincent...OPENS THE LETTER? what a freak

Vin: And...commas are a GOOD thing

Kad: Vincent: hey.. who said you could touch that

Vin: Vincent: Get away from my toy, you bitch.

Kad: haha oh she got told

Vin: O SNAP

"_There is great sorrow in this crystal," Valayris gasps._

Vin: Duh, of course.

Vin: Vincent: My sock has a lot of sorrow, you wanna touch that? ...So does my crotch. TOUCH THAT TOO,

Kad: Valayris: 78 percent sorrow

Vin: Valayris: Chance of rain.

_Vincent with hurt eyes looks away. Valayris examines the crystal then gasps._

"There is a woman in there!" Valayris cries, "A dead one."

Kad: Valayris seems very alert today.

Kad: Vincent: ow dont poke my eyes!

Vin: How hard would she have to examine a crystal to realise there's a dead body encased in it

Vin: It's like "hey...HEY WHOOPS, I MISSED THIS."

_The sorrow creeps over her as she recoils from the crystal's invisible grip. Vincent looks up to see the terror attacking her._

Vin: ONOZ I'M BEING ATTACKED BY TERROR

Vin: GO, PIKACHU, GO

Kad: I CHOOSE U! CHrMand3r!

Vin: Valayris: Ewww...there's terror stuck in my hair

Kad: Don't you just hate that?

_Vincent rushes over to her grabbing her free hand pulls her into him wrapping his cape around her. Vincent walks her away from the crystal and the sorrow surrounding it. After reaching a safe distance Vincent unwraps his cape from around her. Valayris quickly drops to her knees._

Vin: So..Vincent's cape is like a condom.

Vin: Brilliant

Kad: So basically, he takes her two feet or so away and then drops her onto the ground.

Vin: Vincent: WELL I GUESS I BETTER WRAP MY CAPE AROUND YOU NOW...CAUSE UH...YEAH.

Kad: didnt you know? Vincent's cape has sorrow resistant technology

Vin: He was always such a special boy that way

Vin: Why is he walking her

Vin: If she's in danger shouldn't he RUN?

Kad: I guess he's not in any hurry.

Vin: Vincent: tum te tumm...

"_Are you alright?" Vincent asks._

_In response Valayris tilts her head forward and Vincent sees silver tears slide down her cheeks and splatter onto the cavern floor. As the tears flow from her eyes they seem to glow brighter and brighter. Till the last tear falls dimming into nothingness._

Vin: Vincent: D:...I'M NOT THAT UGLY

Kad: Vincent: ... so... are you alright or what?

Vin: Vincent:...stop that drops

Kad: The last tear evaporates

Vin: My tears evaporate

"_I have never felt anything with such intensity before," Valayris quivers._

_Vincent turns back to his letter._

Kad: Vincent: yeah, thats nice

Vin: Vincent: I want a sandwhich

Vin: Vincent: Is this a sandwhich?

"_Vincent,_

_I am sorry to lay this upon you my friend but Midgar is in need of your help. Midgar finds itself under siege of a frightening new disease and only one person can cure it. That person is Valayris, the delivery girl. She is need of your protection because the enemy behind this knows that she is Midgar's only chance of survival_.

Vin: Why can't Cloud protect her D:...

Kad: And Cloud knows this because...?

Vin: This makes no sense.

Vin: Cloud: My dearest Vincent...

_It is very important that hse does not fall into the enemy hands for if she does they will kill her and Midgar will lose its only chance to be free from the diseases control. Yet she cannot cleanse the city we must stifle and destroy the enemy headquarters and labs. Tifa, Barret, Cid, Red XIII, Yuffie and I are going to take care of that._

Vin:...what enemies

Kad: Cloud: Yeah the and we're dumping the annoying one on you.

Kad: They have many enemies...

Vin: Maybe it's Sephiroth, and he's going to take over the world by making everyone sick.

Vin: Why isn't Cloud sick?

Kad: Maybe this is all just a figment of his mad hallucinations

Vin: It must be. because honestly. I don't think VINCENT is his number one guy to send people to...

_Please accept this duty and keep Midgar's beloved white mage, Valayris safe. I will send a message requesting her to return. You really need a cell phone Vincent. I hope you will help us._

_-Cloud"_

Vin: Vincent:...I just want a sandwhich

Vin: Vincent: NO I AM NOT HELPING U D 

Kad: Cloud: I hope you will help us because I just sent you our only hope for survival and ajkfjafkhawjofalf

Kad: Vincent: What a lovely letter.

Vin: Vincent:...Sandwhich?

_Vincent looks at Valayris who is still leaning over the small puddle of silver tears._

"_You are a white mage," Vincent says looking at her._

_She stands up and looks at him._

Vin: Valayris: No shit, batman

Kad: I thought her tears evaporated

Vin: No, now she's examining them.

Kad: She can see the sorrow in her tears.

Vin: She must have cried a lot to get a PUDDLE.

Vin: Good God.

Kad: wow, you're right

Kad: wouldn't they get absorbed into the ground?

Vin: They uh...are...no.

"_How did you know?" she asks._

"_You cry silver tears to release intense emotions. You feel the emotions of my trapped, dead ex lover in her tomb..." Vincent explains, "And Cloud told me."_

Vin: Oh. Well then.

Kad: Well if Cloud told you.

Vin: Vincent: I mean...if Cloud hadn't told me..I just pfttgajsg

Vin: And WHY is Vincent telling HER about Lucrecia

Vin: Vincent: Here: my darkest secret

"_Oh..."_

"_Then do you know why you're here?"_

"_To deliver that message and wait for a response to take back to Cloud-san,"_

"_Read it," Vincent says tossing her the letter._

Vin: Valayris: Arigatou Goazaimashita ne yo ka ni neko kawaii yo

Kad: Valayris: I cant read yet im onli 9

Vin: Vincent: HERE, LETS PLAY CATCH! biffs it at her head

Kad: Valayris: drops letter in her ocean of tears renderring it illegible

Vin: Vincent:...Nice.

_Valayris reads over the note._

"_He never said anything to me about this. I should be at Midgar with them not being baby sat by you," Valayris states._

"_Well you may not like it but we must respect Cloud's orders,"_

_Valayris lets out a huff of air them crosses her arms across her chest._

Kad: Valayris breathed again.

Vin: because being in the presence of Vincent means that he's babysitting her

Kad: Vincent: Cloud's orders are FINAL.

Vin: And since when does Vincent take orders from Cloud D:

Kad: Since Cloud became his god.

Vin: Vincent: teehee i luv cloud 3

Vin: Vincent: he is my gawd and master 3

"_Pouting does not suit a white mage such as yourself," Vincent says._

"_What are we going to do?" Valayris asks, "Sit in this cavern till Cloud and the others call for me?"_

"_No because I have a strong feeling you've been followed."_

Vin: Well of course

Vin: Vincent: Sure, let's have a picnic 3 3 3

Kad: Vincent can see sorrow and also he knows when people he cannot see or hear follow him around.

Kad: must be something he learned whilest avoiding those pesky stalking fangirls.

Vin: Hell yes

Vin: Vincent: YAOI FANGIRL, 12 O'CLOCK

Kad: hahaha

"_Why would someone follow me here?" Valayris says walking toward the entrance of the room when a man out of the darkness grabs Valayris and holds a knife to her throat._

"_If you'll excuse us Sir," the man says as Vincent looks at them calmly, "But the lady and I will be leaving now."_

Vin: Valayris: Well I'll be going now

Kad: So now they're in a room?

Vin: Valayris: Whoops, aparently not...

Kad: And where did this man come from? Was he just standing there the whole time?

Vin: Man: I'm going to kill her now.

Vin: Vincent: Sure, okay

Kad: Vincent: have fun

"_I can't let you take her," Vincent says, "She's under my protection."_

"_Well her head's gonna fetch me a pretty gil with Deep Ground."_

_Vincent smiles slightly, "I'm sorry you feel that way."_

Kad: Yeah, that's too bad.

Vin: But he WOULD let her go...if it weren't for his precious Cloud's orders.

_Vincent raises his gun and clicks back the hammer._

"_You won't shoot me because you don't want to chance shooting the lovely white mage here," the man says shaking Valayris back and forth._

"_You under estimate white mages," Vincent says._

Vin: IT'S THOR VINCENT TO THE RESCUE

Kad: White mages are bullet-proof

Vin: Valayris: has seizure and pees herself

Kad: Man: not on my new shoes! aw man..

Vin: Vincent:...ew

_He pulls the trigger back as Valayris winces, the bullet whizzes by her face missing her ear by a centimeter and entering the guy's skull between his eyes. The knife drops from his hand and Valayris catches it with her magic. Vincent walks over as she sets the knife on the ground. He places his gauntlet hand on her shoulder. In that moment a spark ignites a tiny flame within both of them._

Vin: So...her ear is located on her face

Kad: did the bullet knock before entering?

Vin: Vincent: HAY WE'RE ON FIRE AHHHHHHHH

Vin: Valayris: What? You're touching my shoulder?

Kad: So now Vincent's cremating them.

Kad: Vincent: ... I'll just incinerate our corpses and... be on my way.

Vin: What was the point of her catching the knife if she just puts it back on the ground...

Kad: That was... incredibly pointless...

"_Are you alright?" Vincent asks._

"_Yes, thank to you," Valayris says placing her hand on top of his._

Vin: Valayris: lol thnks

Kad: Valayris: Yuppers im perfectly fine now thnk u

Vin: It's not like Vincent can feel her hand

Vin: HELLO YOU'RE TOUCHING METAL

Kad: hahahaha

_There her hand stays till they both realize what was happening, she quickly takes her hand back._

"_Apparently I'm more important then I thought,"_

Vin: They both just had a seizure

Kad: did we just change tense..?

Vin: Yes. Yes we did.

Vin: And 'till' in this context is not a word

Kad: interesting. It must be her unique STYLE to do so.

Vin: How hard is it to type 'untill'

Vin: IT'S TWO LETTERS

Kad: sigh lazyness i guess.

Kad: But even if she did want to be lazy... 'TIL is spelled with an apostrophe and ONE L. And should never be used unless under the circumstances of a character's dialect. Not the narrator, jeez...

"_Well of course you are, you are the lone person that can cure Midgar of a raging disease. They wouldn't put a bounty on your head if you weren't a huge threat," Vincent explains, "This just means it's going to be twice as hard keeping you safe."_

Vin: Haha Vincent has to explain the obvious...

Kad: Vincent: Now that I know what I knew all along, I'm going to protect you twice as much.

Vin: But if the enemies are in midgar..arn't they going to get sick too?

Kad: ... maybe it's a suicidal mission.

Vin: Bad guy: IF I'M GOING TO BE SICK, SO IS EVERYONE ELSE hmph

_Valayris then shivers and drops to her knees again._

"_Vincent, what happened to her?" she asks pointing to the crystal tomb, "Her feelings haunt me."_

Vin: Lucrecia: Stay away from my man, bitch

Kad: Vincent: Well, she died.

"_Her name is Lucrecia Crescent. I fell in love with her many years ago. I proposed to her and I was rejected," Vincent explains._

_Valayris sucks in a bit of air out of shock._

Vin: SO, she's hyperventilating

Kad: Valayris breathes again

Kad: Vincent: Thats my life story.

Vin: Vincent: Now go away

"_She left me for Shinra's great scientist Hojo. They together made a child, which she bore. The child's name was Sephiroth."_

"_She's Sephiroth's mother!"_

_Vincent nods and turns to the crystal._

Vin: Vincent: Oh. So you've heard of him.'

Kad: She bore the child, not professor Hojo.

Vin: They made a child. Out of clay and contruction paper

Kad: My god, she bore a child named Sephiroth... could that make her... Sephiroth's Mother?

Kad: bravo Valayris. I see you're very intuitive.

"_She died on the inside when she found out about the madness her son possessed then her flesh reflected her internally. I have had to carry this guilt because I told her I would protect her and I could not save...her,"_

"_It was her choice, you can't save someone who truly doesn't want to be saved," Valayris says returning to her feet._

Kad: ...UMMMMM

Vin: Vincent:...wtf? OF COURSE SHE WANTED TO BE SAVED eats

Kad: Valayris: Its her own fault she got sick.

Kad: With a terminal illness.

Vin: Lucrecia: It would appear I am dying on the inside.

Vin: Vincent: oh. Sorry about that.

Kad: My contempt for Valayris has reached a whole new level now.

"_We must leave before more come," Vincent states._

"_I feel hatred," Valayris says wrapping her arms around herself as her body starts to shake, "Their hatred of me."_

"_Come on," Vincent says, "We have to leave."_

Kad: Hmm I wonder why.

Vin: She feels hatred

Kad: Vincent: I bet you can feel my hatred too

Vin: Bad guys: RAWRARRAWR HAET U FOR CURING PEOPLE

Kad: I bet she feels the hatred of all the people reading this.

Vin: Teehee

_Valayris's shaking gets worse, "They're getting closer."_

_The shaking brings her to her knees._

"_They're at the entrance," Valayris says her eyes rolling back in her head._

Vin: Vincent: EW.

Vin: Vincent: Stop that.

Kad: Valayris: Look what I can do.

"_Can you see them?" Vincent asks._

"_Yes," Valayris says in an almost hypnotic state, "Deep Ground Soldiers."_

"_How many?"_

"_30 strong,"_

Vin: By adding 'strong' it makes everything seem

Kad: Valayris sees lots of things.

"_Damnit!" Vincent curses, "Can you walk?"_

_Valayris struggles to get up, yet the shaking knocks her back down to her knees. She tries again but can't get up._

"_I can't..." Valayris gasps.._

"_Well I'm not going to stay here and I am not leaving you,"_

"_But I can't..."_

Kad: Vincent: Stop whining and get up jeez

Vin: Vincent: Despite the fact that I helped defeat Sephiroth...OH NO 30 DINKY SOLDIERS?

Kad: They have a maximum of 6 hp each? O NO!

Kad: whatever shall we do.

Vin: onoz

_In one fell swoop he picks her up in his arms._

"_Oh," Valayris sighs._

"_Grab on to my neck," Vincent says._

Kad: How about not?

Vin: When using the phrase "one fell swoop" this usually refers to someone cutting off someones elses appendage

Kad: interesting

Vin: very

_With shaking arms she wraps them around her neck. Laying her head against his chest feeling a wave of protection laying a calm hand on her heart steadying her nerves slightly. Vincent leaps into the air heading for the back of the cave._

"_Hold on tight," Vincent says._

Kad: with shaking arms.. she wraps them around HER neck?

Vin: OH MY GAWD RUN ON SENTENCE

Kad: Valayris is strangling herself... she's saving us the trouble! Oh joyous day!

Vin: THAT MAKES NO SENSE

Kad: gets dizzy

Vin: Why would they be going towards the BACK.

Vin: ... Vincent, you're kind of dumb

Kad: yea Vincent... what's he gonna do, drop her off at a dead end?

Vin: Vincent: So...you stay here and...I'm going to go make a sandwhich.

_Valayris's grip tightens as Vincent wraps one arm around her waist and draws Cerberus with the other one._

"_They're here," Valayris says burying her face in Vincent's cape._

"_There she is," one of the soldier says as his voice echoes off the cavern walls._

Vin: Vincent's cape isn't in the front

Kad: This is torture...

Vin: So...she's somehow burying her face in his back?

Kad: That's some pretty awkward positioning.

Vin: And how did the bad guys see them so easily.

Kad: he just walked out from behind a wall

Vin: It's like, they're hiding in the back and the guys like "lol i found u"

_In response Vincent fires off a few rounds killing a good number of soldiers. The soldiers fire back till one of their cries finally echoes above the gunfire._

"_Stop! The boss wants her brought back alive,"_

_The gunfire ceases as Vincent takes this chance to dart down the tunnel._

"_I thought Cloud said they wanted me dead," Valayris whispers._

Vin: Bad guy: Whoops, I forgot

Kad: Vincent shoots the soldiers first...?

Kad: what if they came in peace?

Vin: Yeah D:

Vin: And...WHAT TUNNEL

Vin: WHERE DID THIS TUNNEL COME FROM

Kad: the author likes to make up the setting as she goes along.

Vin: "lol 1st theyr in a cave now theyre ina room LOL TUNNEL TYME

Kad: Okay I think I see what's going on. Cloud sent Valayris all the way from Midgar to NIBELHEIM, which is actually located on another continent... where she somehow enters the haunted mansion's basement... and then ends up in the cave behind the waterfall where Lucrecia's spirit lays? Despite the fact that there IS NO tunnel- and the only way to reach the TINY cavern would be via a submarine or a Gold Chocobo... Hello Mr. Plothole and Mrs Plotdevice!

Kad: ...I feel sad now.

"_Apparently Cloud is not fully aware of the situation," Vincent replies._

"_They're coming," Valayris states snuggling closer to Vincent._

"_There is a trick path up ahead and a place for you to sit and stay safe while I make a stand,"_

Kad: yea apparently.

Vin: Vincent's precious Cloud DOESN'T KNOW EVERYTHING!

Vin: Vincent: So...I'll just like...stand here

Kad: Vincent is now reconsidering his choice of a god.

Kad: Vincent: Hmm Cloud doesn't know everything... now what do I do.

"_There are to many of them!"_

"_We have more of a chance to make it out if I make a stand, but please feel free to lend me some of your white mage,"_

_Valayris laughs and smiles, "I will definitely do that should you need it."_

Kad: 30? Oh yeah, we're SO outnumbered.

Vin: Valayris: LAWLS

Vin: Valayris: LAWLS LAWLS LAWLS LAWLS LAWLS

Kad: Valayris: Sure, I hav LOTS of white Mage!1 :D:D:D

_The two come to a round cavern with a shelf two to three feet off the ground floor. Vincent set her there then loads Cerberus._

"_Please Vincent," Valayris cries leaning over the edge of the ledge, "Be careful."_

"_I will protect you at all cost, but I won't die here," Vincent tells her._

Vin: Vincent: Read a book or two from this shelf while I'm standing here

Kad: Vincent: I will protect you but not if it means dying.

Vin: Vincent just plunks her down there, too.

Kad: Yeah, like... itd be so easy for someone else to just come by and drag her away.

_Valayris smiles at him in return Vincent's eyes smile seeing her beautiful smile. Yet her smile snaps into a terrified look._

"_Valayris?"_

_The shaking takes over her body again._

"_Vincent! Behind you!"_

Kad: smile smile smile

Vin: Vincent: Lawls? wat?

Kad: SMILE SMILE SMILE SMILE XD

Vin: How can someone's eyes...smile

Kad: Well apparently Vincent is wearing exclusive contact lenses granting his eyes the technology to smile.

_Vincent spins around gun at the ready._

"_You can't take us out. The white mage is as good as ours. We will kill you but leave you alive enough to watch us take her away screaming your name," the lead soldier states._

Vin: Bad guy: YEAH WE KNO U GUYS LUV EACH OTHUR

Kad: soldier: WE WILL TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT WE ARE GOING TO DO.

"_There is a flaw in your plan," Vincent says._

_Valayris feels a wave of calm confidence wash over her. Looking down at her hands the shaking slowly stops._

"_Vincento (Ve-cent-toe)," Valayris whispers looking at Vincent._

Vin: WHAT?

Vin: shrieks WHAT THE HELL?

Vin: WHAT?

Vin: VINCENTOE?

Kad: ...o.O

Kad: SUPA KAWAII DESUNEE!

Vin: DESU KA

Kad: LAWLZLAWLZLAWLZ

Vin: is dying with laughter omg

"_Where is our flaw?" the lead soldier asks._

"_You think I'll die here," Vincent says._

_Vincent starts to open fire on the crowd._

Vin: O SNAP

Kad: BURN!

Vin: GOT TOLD

"_VINCENT!" Valayris cries sending a blast of white magic out of her body. The white magic forms a shield around Vincent. The enemy's return fire bounces off the shield as Vincent begins to pick off half the soldiers easily._

_A soldier looks up to see Valayris focusing her energy on Vincent._

Vin: Soldier: Maybe...if I...kill her...hmmmm.

Kad: So all the soldiers are just staring at the ground?

"_Tranq the white mage, she's controlling his shield," the soldier says pointing at her._

_A soldier loads a tranquilizer dart and fires it. Valayris focusing on Vincent could not hear her surroundings gets shot in the shoulder breaking her concentration. Vincent turns noticing his shield was fading. He turns around just in time to see Valayris look at the dart with sleepy eyes._

Vin: Valayris: I r sleepy

Kad: They could have just shot her at any momment.

Vin: I know. Why now.

Kad: Because that guy pointed at her

Vin: And OBVIOUSLY it's her controlling the sheild

Vin: Soldiers: nnnnndur?

Kad: suddenly everyone just became aware

Vin: NO IT'S SEPHIROTH CONTROLLING IT

Kad: omhg it's Lance bass!11 D:

"_Valayris!" Vincent yells._

_Valayris collapses as the drugs kick in._

"_Valayris!" Vincent calls again._

Vin: Vincent: y r u not answerign me?

Kad: Valayris: lawlz I'm so weak and pathetic help me VINCENTOE

_A bullet plows through Vincent's shoulder. Vincent roars in pain grabbing his shoulder. Turning around he faces the gunmen._

"_I'm your enemy," the gunman says._

_Vincent's face gives into an angry expression as his body glows._

Vin: Vincent: I'm a lion

Kad: WOW.

Vin: WHAT?

Kad: Hi Im your enemy.

Vin: I'M YOU'RE ENMY

Vin: DUH

Vin: OVBIOSULY

Kad: I shot u. Im ur enemy.

Vin: I'm sorry. I'm actually laughing so hard I'm crying

Kad: The soldier feels obligated to openly state he's the enemy... how sad...

Vin: Guy: Hey. I'm ur enemy. shoots

Kad: Vincent is mad that someone shot him.

Vin: Vincent: lawls rlly? lets be freinds

Vin: Vincetoe roars

"_What's going on?" the gunman asks._

_Vincent begins to transform into Chaos._

"_Open fire!" the leader soldier orders._

Kad: Overlooking the stupidity of inquiring what's going on... why did he ask that before Vincent began to mutate?

Kad: soldier: well, I just told Vincent that I'm his enemy... and I shot him, so he's not too happy about that.

Vin: Bad guys: NNNNDURRRRRRRRR?

Kad: Lets shoot it more!

_The bullets bounce off his wings before he lets out an earth-shaking roar and spreads his wings. Once the wings were open Chaos is unleashed. In what seems to be a blink of an eye Chaos rips, slashes, and decapitates all the remaining soldiers. Chaos breathes heavily after finishing off the last soldier. He then transforms slowly back into Vincent._

Vin: Chaos: BREATHES

Kad: He breathes.

Vin: Vincent: Well hay im back now

Kad: This story is very detailed.

"_Valayris," Vincent says rushing to her._

_Vincent reaches her and places her head in his lap. Examining her for injures Vincent finds the tranquilizer dart still lodged in her shoulder. Removing the dart he tells her, "We have to get you out of here."_

Vin: YEAH WE KNOW WHY VINCENT IS PUTTING HER HEAD IN HIS LAP

Kad: Vincent: Here, a lovely place to rest your pretty little face.

_He picks her up favoring his wounded shoulder carries her out of the cave and into the forest behind it._

Kad: run on sentence, much?

Vin: ONLY A LOT

Kad: or poorly constructed.

Kad: now there's a forest.

Vin: duh

Kad: Oh my, there are more chapters..

Vin: HELL YES

Kad: haha, we'll resume the torture later

Vin: Omg this was hilariously fun

Kad: I know! It's hard to beleive this was actually written... seriously...

Vin: D: pretty bad but...my favourite part was...

Vin: I'm you're enemy

Vin: Like..holy shit

Kad: Yeah that part was the best apart from the whole Vincento (pronounced "Vin-cent-toe") thing XD

Vin: OMFG

Vin: WTH WAS THAT

As the doors finally open, Kad and Vin evacuate the theater as fast as possible. Once back in the main control lobby, they are greeted once again with Professor Hojo's vile smirk and condescending demeanor.

"So, how was your first torture shift? Excruciatingly dreadful, was it not?"

"Oh, it was." says Vin.

"Yeah, but we survived." Kad points out. "...Barely."

"Well in that case, you'll be suffering through more chapters of torment from this point on! AHJDAHAHAHHAHA!" Hojo cackles

The screen turnes black, and they turn around to notice Clo holding the computer plug.

"Hey, where were you?" Vin inquires. Clo shrugs. "I dunno."

"..."

To Be Continued. (Kad: heheh... okay.)

-----------

reviewplzkthnx


	2. Chapter 2: The Torment Continues

Vin: Dislcaimer: This is a parody of Vincent Valkaries 'The Silver Healer'. This is all fun and games, people. Flames are much appreciated, as we like to laugh at them and quote them. So far, our favourite reviewer has been "Final Fantasy Fan". This person makes our day. All of you should strive to be just like 'Final Fantasy Fan'. (read the "Golden Healer")

Kad: and uh… Vin wrote the intro this time! And the ending! Yay! I'm not allowed to write anymore. I've lost my privileges. But I still wrote the song. No one can take that away AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAA!11111

Vin: Good day to you all.

(Note: we were rushed. Hojo had a gun to our heads as we wrote this.)

-------

**Mystery Science Theater 7000**

Chapter Two:

The Torment Continues

--------

In the not too distant future,

Last Sunday around 3

There were 3 morons named KadVinClo

Very different from you and me

They had a job compiling fanfiction

That was enough to give someone a conniption

They did a poor job keeping up the pace

And Hojo didn't like them

So he shot 'em into space!

"I'll send them cheesy fanfics,

"The worst I can find (la-la-la)

"They'll have to sit and read them all,

"And I'll monitor their minds (la-la-la)

Now keep in mind they can't control,

Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)

Because they used those special parts,

To teleport their ff7 friends

Kad: **IM UR ENeMY!1**

Vin: **AMPHOTERIC EQUILIBRIUM1**

Clo: **"****LOLLERCOASTER"**

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe,

And other science facts (la-la-la)

Then repeat to yourself, "It's just KadVinClo,

I should really just relax".

For... MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 7000!

The familiar tune of Gloucester High's school bell rang at 10:40am, signaling the start of period 2. As the lingering notes of the jaunty melody faded away, Vin rushed into her chemistry class—flinging herself successfully into her chair. Luckily, Ms. Walton, her semi-insane teacher, hadn't noticed her exuberant—albeit late—entrance as she was too busy giggling to herself about Gay-Lussacs gas law.

"Heaven's to mergatroid, " Ms Walton grinned, snapping her fingers, "heavens to Betsy, by Jorge that's the best gosh-darned equation I've ever seen. Isn't that great?"

She was met with a general murmur of consent, and Ms Walton continued babble on about gas equations. Vin reached into her bag to get out her chemistry notebook. There had been a tricky problem on the homework given the day before that she wanted to ask Ms Walton about. Vin frowned, however, as she rummaged around in her bookbag. She couldn't find it! She had just used the same notebook for her period 1 class—Japanese Geography…She had even taken notes in it about The Tale of Genji.

"So, " Ms Walton continued, "if you're ever walking down the street, and some stranger comes up to you and says 'the atmospheric pressure of Butane is 96.7 kilopascals' you can say 'Heavens to Betsy, that doesn't make any sense'. And you know why?" Ms Walton struck a pose, waiting for an answer, "because, " she answered herself a few seconds later, "he hasn't told you whether it's STP or SATP….."

(Vin: She has actually said the above dialogues many, many times. I am honestly not making up her dialogue.)

Meanwhile, Vin had given up searching through her book bag, and instead took to glaring at it in annoyance. She conformed to the notion that perhaps she had left in her period 1 class. That, or she had dropped it.

"Ms Walton?" she raised her hand, "I left my notebook in my last class. Can I go get it?"

"Heaven's to Betsy. Heaven's to Mergatroid. By Jorge."

"I'll be quick, I promise."

Ms Walton gave her consent, and Vin took off to the other end off the school in search of her notebook. As she turned the corner, she spotted a familiar figure.

"Hey, Kad!" she called out. Kad turned around and waved vaugly.

"What are you doing here?" Kad asked. Vin shrugged.

"I lost my notebook. But it's so weird; because I had it last period…" she trailed off. Kad raised an eyebrow, and pushed her hair out of her face in surprise.

"Really? That's weird. I had my comic last period, but when I went to take it out to work on, it was gone."

"Whoa. That's…really weird." Vin mused. The two girls stood in silence, pondering at their misfortune.

"Wait a minute…" Kad said slowly, "I…wait, I know what's going on."

"You do? Awesome, because I really need my notebook back…."

Just then, lightning flash and thunder boomed and maniacal laughter filled the air. Kad and Vin found themselves in a familiar chamber. Both girls rolled their eyes.

"Oh please—"

"This is—"

"HELLO GIRLS." Professor Hojo shrieked, clasping his hands together. Vin cleared her throat.

"Kay, like, no offense Hojo but…this really isn't the best time mmk? I have chemistry to win at. My education is at stake."

"DON'T SCREAM IN MY HOUSEHOLD," the professor yelled, "SIT DOWN AND READ/WATCH THIS FANFICTION THAT I HAVE SO DUTIFULLY FOUND FOR YOU."

"Why?" Kad asked, "there's no point in this."

"Because, " Professor Hojo breathed, holding up their notebooks "if you don't…I'll punch your notebooks in the noggin."

So, the two girls, in fear of having their notebooks punched , sat down and quietly watched/read the fan fiction prepared for them.

---

**The Silver Healer**

_By Vincent's Valkyrie_

_Coming to Valayris finds herself on her back in the middle of a thick forest. The trees fill up the sky blocking any sign of the true time. Sitting up she rubs her eyes._

"_How long have I been out?" Valayris asks herself._

_The forest's vibrant green and lush surrounds are a harsh change on her Valayris's eyes from the dull gray cave._

"_Where am I?" Valayris asks squinting, "What happened?"_

Vin: The forest will clearly answer her

Kad: forest: lol hay

Vin: Valayris: Doko desu ka yo?

Vin: Forest: Asoko desu

Kad: Valarys: Arigatoe gosaiimashita

Vin: forest: loller desu

Kad: …Valayris really needs to get her eyes checked. People are splotches and her eyes can't adapt to a lot of green…

_Vincent could fill her in she thinks. Where is Vincent? Looking around she fails to find any sign of him._

"_Vincent," Valayris says._

_No answer._

"_Vincent," Valayris calls._

Vin: VINNNNNNNCEENNNNNNNNNNNNTTT!

Kad: wheres Vincent lawlz?

Vin: Forest: Stop shouting. Desu.

Vin: Vincent: my name is vincentoe kai thnx

Kad: Forest: My name is Vincent now.

_No answer. She was starting to worry. What if Deep Ground killed him while she was unconscious? She would be alone. Valayris did not want to be alone, not again._

"_VINCENT!" Valayris cries._

"_Shh..." Vincent hushes._

Vin: Vincent: Shut up, bitch.

Kad: Vincent is dead, but the worst part is now she'll be alone for a few hours

Vin: NOT ALOOOONE!

Kad: omg nooo

_Looking up she sees Vincent sitting on a branch high above her. He hunches forward gripping his shoulder._

"_You're hurt," Valayris states._

Kad: Vincent: No I just like touching my shoulder.

"_I'm fine. It's just a flesh wound," Vincent assures her._

Vin: Dude, Vincent is so going to fall off the tree.

Vin: And also?...How did she hear Vincent go "ssh" IF HE'S IN A TREE.

Kad: Vincent: I'm fine, the flesh on my arm is just disintegrating… that's all.

Kad: maybe it's a very small tree.

Vin: It's a baby tree

Kad: lame.

Vin: Jeez, Vincent...

Kad: well how would he be able to climb a regular tree with an injured arm anyway?

Kad: moreover why would he go through the trouble

Vin: Seriously / He could just ...stand behind the tree. Or something.

Vin: It's not like his safety is guarenteed.

"_Vincent, get down here," Valayris says._

_Vincent looks at her with a look Valayris couldn't quite describe. Looking at Vincent Valayris senses an independent spirit living in him, one that takes orders from no one._

Kad: Vincent only obeys Cloud.

Vin: Vincent looks at Valayris with a look of sheer hatred.

Vin: Valayris: Vinnie get down here now lololo

Kad: This look only confuses her.

Kad: you dont order people around. I mean, that's how I talk to my dog.

Vin: Seriously

"_Please," Valayris adds trying sound polite._

Kad: And failing miserably.

_Hesitating for a moment before jumping down he lands gracefully in front of Valayris. Blood trickles out of the wound exposed by his singed cape, staining his red cape a deeper red. Valayris heart sinks, guilt creeps over her. It was her fault he's hurt._

Vin: Blood just pours out of his wound

Kad: well way to go, Vincent morphes into a dog that'll obey her every command.

Vin: Vincent: lol :3

Kad: Vincent: lol im ur pet puppy i will obey u mast3r

Kad: Vincent: Haha well, you DID say please...

Kad: And it was ALL HER FAWLT.

Vin: OF COURSE

Vin: Damn those 60HP soldiers shooting Vincent...man.

"_Oh, Vincent, I'm sorry" Valayris says her tone morphing into a soft motherly tone, "This is all my fault."_

Kad: yes. yes it is.

Vin: It's like that one scene in the Matrix

Kad: …morphing.

Vin: Where the silver mirror goop goes down Neo's throat and he makes that weird sound.

Kad: haha yes

Kad: lol...Morphius... 'I can fly. Actually, I can't. I just said that so you'd think I was cool...'

Kad: uhh… Does Valayris think she's his mother now?

Vin: Ewww gross.

Kad: Valayris: lawls lets play house! I can be the mommy and u can be the daddy!1

Kad: …or the dog.

"_No it's not, it comes with the territory of protector," Vincent says._

_Looking at his gloved hand Valayris notices the hand, which had been holding his shoulder, is soaked in blood._

Vin: Vinnie is SO DEEP LAWLS

Vin: Vincent's hand is melting.

Vin: It's because the lust between them is OH SO HAWT.

Kad: But if Vincent was wearing gloves, how was his hand soaked in blood.

Vin: ...THAT'S A LOT OF BLOOD.

Kad: Blood just sprays out Kill Bill style.

Kad: it's like Valayris can cry an ocean of tears and Vincent can bleed an ocean of blood.

Kad: they're perfect for eachother lawls

Vin: So kawaii desu

"_How long ago since you were shot?" she asks._

"_About an hour or so," Vincent answers._

"_Why didn't you wake me?"_

Vin: Vincent: Oh you know...

Kad: Vincent went the extra mile and timed himself

Vin: Vincent: Just, ya know, got shot like an hour ago...

Vin: Jeez Vincent...shame on you for not WAKING HER BECAUSE YOU WERE SHOT.

Vin: Vincent: Pssssst. PSSSST. VALAYRIS? Pssst...wake up, man.

Kad: Vincent: Valayris wake up! waaake uppp Valayris! we're goin to caaandy mouuntaiiin!

Vin: SHUNNNN

Kad: SHUUUUUUUUNNNNNN

"_You were heavily sedated. I couldn't have woken you even if I had wanted to," Vincent explains to her._

Kad: Which he didn't.

"_I'll take care of that wound now," Valayris tells him in hopes to right her wrong against him._

Vin: Well, of course she was sedated.

Vin: Vincent: Oh, you're going to heal me? Cool, lets have secks.

Kad: Valayris: Lawls okai!

_Vincent looks at her with intrigue. "Time to see the white mage at work," Vincent thinks._

Vin: Vincent was always a deep thinker.

Vin: Vincent: Tyme 2 duel.

Kad: yeah his mind is going a mile a minute.

"_First to remove the bullet," Valayris explains to him._

Vin: Of course.

Kad: Then we're done!

Kad: She says as she leafs through her book of "First Aid for Dummies".

Vin: Vincent: No, I want that bullet to stay in there, please D:

Kad: Valayris: no im ur mast3r u will do as i say

Vin: Vincent: But I want Cloudo-chan-sama-kami-box-neko desu yo D:

_Holding her hands out she cups them slightly as if awaiting something._

Kad: Like the dilly-dally ghost to punch her in the noggin.

_Closing her eyes she begins to glow in a soft silver light. Vincent shivers at the warm sensation inside his shoulder. Vincent feels the bullet break into tiny pieces then travel through his body. Looking at Valayris's hand he watches while the bullet reassembles_

Vin: Uh, so...if I had bullet fragments pushing themselves out of my body?...Yeah, I'd be screaming in pain /

Vin: Vincent: Hurr hurr it kinda tickles :B

Kad: She shattered the bullet and sent them piercing through his internal organs

Vin: Whats the point of the bullet reassembling anyway.

Vin: Vincent: Jee, thanks for killing me more...bitch D:

Kad: oh it's a memento

Vin: A token of their love desu!

Kad: Valayris wants to remember this moment forever and ever… And everrr…

Vin: Cloudo's gonna be jeeaaaalllous

Kad: oho

"_That is amazing," Vincent states as Valayris drops the bullet into his hand._

Kad: Vincent: That is amazing.

Vin: Way to be eloquent, Vinnie.

Kad: he states.

Vin: Okai...dude. If like...someone saved me from dying...the LAST thing I'm going to say is a plain "That is amazing"

Kad: Valayris: here u take this. Now whenever you look at it you can remember the searing pain and agony you had to endure, and how you wished you were dead.

_Admiring the bullet Vincent is impressed with Valayris's healing skill. Vincent had used restore materia before but he never truly got the hang of it and this woman heals people without any materia at all It was an amazing sight._

Vin: ...? wtf?

Kad: ...

Vin: HELLO HE FOUGHT SEPHIROTH

Vin: OF COURSE HE'S GOING TO KNOW HOW TO USE MATERIA

Kad: He used heal dozens of times. It's not that special.

Vin: Vincent: Uh Cloud D:...wtf is this materia stuff...

Kad: so it's really nothing special that Valayris can heal, because anyone can do it- it's just they're all too lazy to equip materia.

Vin: Pretty much /

Kad: …it's like they're living in Lazytown…

"_Now lets heal that wound," Valayris tells him._

Kad: Vincent: Oh yeah. That.

Vin: Vincent: LOL OKAI!

_Placing her hand on the wound she brings her lips, shimmering in silver light, to her hand and kisses it. Upon contact a silver light sieges through Vincent's shoulder. Vincent winces for a brief moment with the unusual feeling. Leaning back Valayris removes her hand. Looking at his shoulder, the pain had gone and even his clothes and cape were fixed._

Vin: So...she kisses her hand?

Kad: ...

Vin: How is kissing her hand going to heal him.

Kad: and apparently this is also handy to mend clothing as well.

Vin: Vincent: Man, this pain hurts way more than Sephiroth's Supernova...

Kad: Supernova is nothing compared to this.

Vin: Hell, Sephiroth himself is nothing to this.

Kad: and you know, if this is how healing magic works… how awkward must it have been for Cloud and his party to heal each other in the heat of the battle …?

"_Amazing," Vincent sighs rotating his shoulder._

"_Glad I could help," Valayris smiles._

Kad: Vincent is amazed.

Vin: Valayris: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Vin: Because that's the most amazing thing Vincent has ever seen.

Vin: Ever.

Kad: Jee i hope VV won't put us through that whole series of smiles again.

Vin: DX hopefully not.

_Vincent's positive responses to her healing powers makes Valayris wonder if she kept impressing him with magic maybe he would open up to her._

Vin: Translation:

Kad: wth

Kad: oh im anxious to hear this.

Vin: if Valayris keeps on using her magic powers, maybe Vincent will give her hot, passionate secks.

Kad: duh, but that was her plan right from the start.

Vin: How silly of me to forget xD

Kad: Now the author decides to state it out in the open. In case we weren't clever enough to figure it out.

_Valayris smiles, "Vincent...Thank you."_

"_For what?" Vincent asks looking at her questioningly._

Kad: oh here we go.

Vin: OH GAWD NOOO

Vin: Vincent: Just tell me so I can ditch you.

"_I owe you my life. Without you I'd be on my way back with those scumbags to be poked and prodded at and then probably killed."_

Vin: O NO THOSE SCUMBAGS

Kad: scumbags: lol lets poke her with a stick

Vin: And uh...I'm pretty sure that being 'poked and prodded' would be the LEAST violent thing they'd do to her...D:

Kad: when they get bored of that they'll just kill her, so you know.

Vin: Scumbags: This game sux.

"_Cloud asked me to protect you. I have accepted that duty. Like I said before I will protect you at all costs," Vincent tells her his voice turning cold._

"_Oh," Valayris sighs her heart sinks hearing his frozen voice._

Vin: Vincent: My...beloved Cloud 3 3

Kad: Valayris: this... _Cloud_...

Vin: Vincent: We made love every night when we were together...

Kad: Valayris: sirens blare kill bill style

Vin: Valayris: I MUST KILL THIS CLOUD RARWRAW.

Vin: And you know...she'd so be able to kill Cloud

Vin: Because, you know.

Kad: With her zawesome healing magic, like duh

Vin: Despite having killed Sephiroth...

_Vincent is a wandering soul crying out to Valayris to be saved from its walk of solitude. Valayris could feel his torment, living breathing inside her like a lonely animal. She knew loneliness all to well. If he just opened up to her she might be able to free him of his solitude and lighten his heart, just like Cloud and the gang had done for her._

Kad: ...

Vin: I…don't even know what to say.

Kad: … if only she could slice through his torso and chop away at some of those other useless organs… why, then she could alleviate some of the solitude from his heart.

Kad: Just like Cloudo and the gang had done for her. Awwww :)

Vin: Vincent: So...uh...About Cloud...

Kad: Valayris: DONT CHANGE TEH SUBJECT!11

Vin: Why would Vincent be 'living inside of her'

Vin: Vincent: WHY DID YOU EAT MY PET RABBIT, YOU BITCH.

Kad: The rent's cheap.

Kad: But Vincent's a lion, apparently.

Vin: O YEA.

"_Where are we headed to next?" Valayris asks breaking the silence that had fallen over the two._

Vin: Vincent: To Cloud's house.

Vin: Vincent: Rather...I AM going to Cloud's house. You're.….I dunno. Staying here. Or something.

Kad: There's a party goin' down. Only cool people allowed.

Vin: Vincent: You can only come if you kill someone, and then bring their body up.

Kad: A party's not a party without rotting corpses.

"_I want to take you some place safe. I want to see if I can figure out what Deep Ground would want with you alive," Vincent explains._

"_Why do you want to know that?"_

Vin: Vincent:….I just told you.

Kad: Valayris doesn't listen to him. She's distracted by... other aspects of him.

Vin: LIKE HIS CROTCH.

Vin: coughs

Kad: …yeah.

"_I want to aide my friends and...,"_

"_And?" Valayris continues._

Kad: Vincent: let me finish

Vin: Vincent: SCREW CLOUD INTO THE GROUND.

Kad: Vincent: Use your corpse for admission to the party.

"_Get Midgar safe from the disease," Vincent replies emotionlessly._

Kad: …I liked our answers better.

Vin:/ Since when would Vinnie care about disease. It's not like he can get sick.

Kad: Vincent doesn't care about people.

Vin: Except for Cloud.

Kad: That's right.

_Vincent starts to wonder what she was getting at with these questions._

Kad: Vincent: lawls wat could she b gting at wit awl dese questiens?

Vin: Vincent: Stop talking, ur making mie wittle brain hurt D: D:

Kad: Vincent wallows in a state of sheer oblivion and stupidity as Valayris carries through with her master plan of evil.

Vin: BECAUSE SHE REALLY IS PROFESSOR HOJO!

Kad: Valayris: pulls off mask- HAHAHHASHKFHAHFAHAH!1

Vin: He should so totally have a theme song.

Vin: Why doesn't Hojo have a theme song.

Kad: that was... that only makes perfect sense

Vin: Clearly.

Kad: Hojo's theme song would be... some kind of freakish disco techno trance thing. And he'd dance to it all disco style… creepy.

Vin: I'm going to make it up.

Vin: I'll record it too

Kad: omg you should

Kad!!

Vin: 3 yes.

Vin: BUT BACK TO MSTING…

Kad: we can send it to professor Hojo. For Christmas.

Vin!! Yes.

Kad: YES BACK TO THE TORTURE

Kad: ahem…

Vin: cough

Kad: breathes

"_Oh," Valayris sighs._

_Vincent was becoming good at smashing her dreams of romance that started living in her since she began feeling Vincent was her Red Knight._

Kad: do we even have to comment on this?

Vin: barfs

Vin: barfs

Vin: barfs

Vin: dies

Kad: … "Red Knight"?

Kad: get up.

Vin: fien.

Vin: Just...GOD WTF IS THIS.

Kad: lol you can die after we're done

"_Guess time will tell if he truly is my Red Knight," Valayris tells herself._

Kad: Valayris is… evil…

Kad: ……evill...

Vin: I don't even have anything to say xD

Kad: That's because Valayris is in league with Professor Hojo and Mr B Natural… o.o;

"_So where is safe?" Valayris asks looking at Vincent._

"_Junon Harbor,"_

Kad: Isn't that the military base?

Vin: 'Safe'?...'Safe' isn't a noun, sweetheart.

"_Oh, Ok,"_

"_We will stay here till morning,"_

Vin: Valayris: Oh, okay.

Vin: Vincent:..Stop that.

Kad: Valayris: But it's 1 in the afternoon

_Nodding Valayris lies down on the forest floor. The wind blows carrying on it a biting chill. Curling up Valayris tries to fight off the shivers._

Vin: So she...just...xD

Kad: ...

Vin: She just throws herself on the ground.

Kad: Why doesn't she have the common sense to make a shelter?

Vin: Seriously Oo;..it's like...hello. Cold out.

Kad: even if it's a...branch. That's better than lying in the middle of the forest floor.

Vin: Vincent:...wtf are you...DOING?

"_I could be in my warm bed right now," Valayris thinks to herself, "Damn Deep Ground."_

Vin: Oh, damn those scumbags...

Kad: But these soldiers weren't even any threat. They just kinda… stood around, waiting to be shot. It clearly stated Vincent responded to them harmlessly existing, with a homicidal rampage…

Vin: They just wanted to go camping.

Vin: Way to kill everything, Vincent.

Kad: Vincent: oh it was self-defense i swear.

_Hearing her ragged breathing Vincent walks over to her. Unbuckling his cape from around his shoulders he lays it over her._

Vin: kasjf! IT'S HIS CAPE!

Kad: And Valayris succeeds yet again! Lightening strikes as she bursts into a maniacal laughter of evil.

Vin: So, she's just lying on the ground, hyperventilating without a care in the world.

Vin: Awesome.

Kad: But she knew Vincent would strip down for her.

Vin: Ohh yeah. Good thinking.

Vin: And we all know Vinnie's a mancake.

"_Thank you, Vincent," Valayris sighs wrapping the cape around her._

"_You're welcome Valayris," Vincent sighs._

Vin: Vincent is sighing with exasperation.

Kad: …sigh Is this almost finished?

Vin: Vincent: Hmmmmmmm raises eyebrow

Kad: it's like, sigh replaced smile. Those r VV's _favourite_ werds:D

Kad: Those and 'morph'.

_The relaxing smell washes over Valayris sending her peacefully into a sleep state._

Vin: Vincent smells so gewd!

Kad: Vincent's BO smells great!

Vin: He must wash his cape regularily to wash off all the blood and sweat and grime

Vin: I bet he has a portable washing machine.

Kad: I bet he does!

Kad: That or healing magic also counts as laundry detergent.

Vin: OBVIOUSLY.

_In a few short moments Vincent hears Valayris's breathing change._

Kad: So he knows the poison worked.

_Watching her slumber Vincent admits to himself that Valayris was beautiful, especially in the fire's caressing glow. Looking upon her his vision begins to blur and for a brief second Valayris morphs into Lucrecia._

Vin: barasjgksfjhasdgklHUER890UU890

Vin: GF

Vin: DJD

Vin: JDGH

Vin: no

Kad: akjsfhakgfh

Kad: kjashf

Kad: kasjfkgahj

Vin: NNNNNNOOOOOOOO

Kad: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo

Kad: we can die in a few minutes, almost over

Vin: Vincent: lol u pretty desu yo hurrr

Vin:Vincent: prettier than my beloved Lucrecia

Kad: What's he on?

"_Lucrecia?" Vincent asks quietly leaning closer to the sleeping figure._

_Blinking once Vincent looks, the figure was Valayris this time, not Lucrecia._

Vin: Lucrecia: s'up

Kad: Vincent: damn.

Vin: Does he honestly expect Lucrecia to answer?

Kad: And the moral of the story is?

Vin: LAY OFF THE CRACK, VINNIE.

"_Lucrecia why can't I let you go?" Vincent asks_

Vin: Lucrecia: Because you tied me up and left me in your closet

Kad: Lucrecia: Because i didnt want to be saved lawlaz

Kad: 2 b cont 1nud3!1

Kad: XD

Vin: KLAJSDH! ALSKDJALDKFJA OH GAWD

Kad: That was AWFUL! D:

Kad: ……I want to die now.

Kad and Vin managed to get their notebooks back, and were able to get back to class, although quite late. Now go away.

----

reviewplzkthnx.


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